WHAT DO I DO!??!

fly on banister
Originally uploaded by samureye.

There’s a fly on my banister man, what do I do? Someone, can you please help me? There’s a fly on my banister! Okay, anyone out there, could you please e-mail me ASAP because I need to know how to get rid of this thing, I mean, it’s just scary. The fear instilled in me has never been measured. Fear of this magnitude years for words to be created to describe it. I just don’t know. Life never taught me how to deal with this. There should be a handbook on stuff like this, you know, emergencies that require people to act and think decisively. I’m a twig, I’ve snapped. Don’t you think it might be a little more flattering if I used the metaphor of my snapping and used the comparison to that of how an alligator “snaps” his mouth. But wait, I’ve somewhat contradicted myself as I have now used, what is called an onomatopoeia, which is defined as a word that sounds like the action it describes.

Okay, back on topic- fly. He seems to be watching me with his compound eyes. I don’t suppose I could be escorted off the compound, could I? Of course, I now have to explain the pun in those first two sentences being, I was referencing the compound eyes for the fly as a compound that you can physically walk on, such as a mall’s compound. Therefore, me being escorted off the compound was actually a subliminal way of saying if I could not be looked at by the fly. Niche, yes, I know. I suppose there are about a dozen people on the whole internet that must have gotten that without the long explanation, 11 and a half of which wouldn’t think it’s funny. I say 11 and a half because I counted 2 midgets as one person, so in reality the dozen I referenced in the last sentence would in fact be a baker’s dozen and I would have had one midget laugh at my joke only because of the sympathy he wants because he can’t play ball like everyone else, no, he gets a job as a foot rest. Sigh, I have to go now, the fly just flied away.