Real Life, entry 1.

I awoke in the morning, dazed and in a trance, a dream like state, where I knew I would not be able to make amends with my body for not allowing it to sleep longer. I was tired from going to bed not last night, but earlier the same morning, for I was waiting to see myself grace the television’s glowing screen of enchanted wisdom. I was not yet good enough to be shown at times where common folk would watch, so this I thought of as being special, unwilling to face the reality that is “suck”.

I proceeded to get out of bed when I saw a man at the window; he climbed in and overpowered me, had his way with me, and made me pose with a small teddy bear named Walter for photographs to be sold to Russian merchants in the illegal stuffed animal exploitation trade. The man quickly left, but not without the aid of me and Walter to get the pictures onto the computer and onto a CD for the man to easily distribute to those Russian dudes. He asked to charge his batteries by me, but I had to put down my foot and say “Nein”, that’s Russian I think, but not a number, Walter told me that. As the man left, I held Walter in my arms and proceeded to consume some breakfast.

While holding Walter in one hand and eating me a big ol’ mess of biscuits, I watched flamboyance at its purest with Richard Simmons. Suddenly, I felt some sort of vibration in my hand. Walter seemed relieved, yet embarrassed, he had broke wind before me, in my hand even. “How dare you break wind before me?” I exclaimed in a loud, angry like voice.
“I didn’t know it was your turn!” Jabbed Walter. Not only was this the basis of a bad toilet humored joke and a blatant rip-off of a joke in the second Austin Powers movie, it was the deciding factor in my decision to let Walter go, to a place in the open, and not have to crop dust inside people’s houses while they’re enjoying a big ol’ mess of biscuits and watching flamboyant health guru and all around girlie man, Richard Simmons. I suited up, which is military jargon for getting dressed, and proceeded to get into my car and drive to the Salvation Army. I like the Salvation Army, they know my by name there. While perusing for a new muumuu, I handed in Walter to the old lady with the lipstick on her teeth. “You need to know that there’s a time and place for everything Walter” is what I said, then I turned away, and paid 7 cents for my new muumuu. I went home immediately after because Napoleon Dynamite was supposed to be on right after Richard Simmons, and I wouldn’t want to miss that! That would be bad!